New life foci. Not to be confused with fungi. Or feces.

I've been feeling pretty stressed lately (read: crying at work. Yeah.) mainly due to an unseemingly endless pile of assignments at work that never seem to end. I've mentioned this before, so I don't need to continue to complain (no one likes complainers, right?), but it just does not seem to be getting any better.

Late last week while lunching with a friend, I had a sort of epiphany. My growing stress level was akin to an endless circle:

Work would pile up, in which case I would spend additional effort (hours outside of work) trying to complete tasks to bring the stress level down.

However, in doing so, my stress level would never actually decrease. In fact, I think it was actually increasing. Imagine that. Plus, it's not like once I finished my tasks that I would have any free time because magically some other tasks would pop up and take their place.

I decided that I needed something else in my life (preferably something positive) to become the focus of my energies. That way, I would have a justification to convince myself that I need to distribute my time and energy more efficiently among work as well as whatever these new focuses (foci?) would be.

Initially, my thought was "I'm going to buy a dog!!" I spent a lot of time researching and feel that yes, I likely will buy a dog. Probably this summer. That will be a positive way to destress and will also introduce me to new activities like agility & obedience classes and patience, since pets require a lot of that.

This weekend I also rejoined my running club. I was part of the program last fall, but after "The Incident," I had to drop out. The coach gracefully welcomed me back with open arms. Saturday was my first run in a number of months and it actually wasn't that bad. It wasn't good, but it wasn't too pathetic.

The running club is part of a larger triathlon club that I had yet to join. I was thinking of perhaps joining later this summer after I had had time to get back into shape somewhat (round is a shape, right?) However, after feeling so good during run club and enjoying the comraderie, I decided to sign up for the triathlon program that started today. As in TODAY. Mind you that by the time I tried to get out of bed this morning, I didn't have full control of my thigh muscles. Turns out that the run yesterday left more lasting effects than first thought. And guess what we did for training today. More running!

As I sit here tonight, I'm reveling in the fact that I did make such a commitment (and if you know Coach Martha, you know what kind of commitment I'm talking about) because I would have not thought this was possible at this time last year. I'm in a much better place in terms of accepting personal challenges. This won't be easy. It will require quite a change to my schedule. I'll be missing Zumba on Wednesdays (but still able to attend most on Mondays). I'll not have a day to sleep in on weekends until mid-year, as running club is early Saturday and TriLaVie is early Sunday. Volunteerism is a mandatory requirement, as is training activities on your own time.

But, in the end, I'm hopeful that this is a step in the right direction.

Also, I may or may not need a wheelchair tomorrow.

My work/life teeter totter is broken.

This has been a very trying week. Or couple of weeks. My work/life balance, while not always in perfect harmony, was significantly out of sync. It happens from time to time where things get busy at work. There are deadlines to meet, project issues to address, and other issues popping up like a bizarre game of whack a mole.

I was asked by a Vice President to assist with a project that had fallen somewhat behind schedule. What started out as an interesting project to be a part of turned into something that was keeping me awake at night. I was visualizing how the report should come together, making mental notes of things that needed to be changed or addressed, and tossing and turning.

Why is this such a problem you ask? Why would you complain about being asked to take on an important deliverable when the reason for being asked is because you are known for doing a good job?

Well, it's the lack of teamwork. I was asked to "help" guide the original report writer into focusing the report discussion on a specific topic that could potentially lead to future work. To me, this meant developing the report outline, providing guidance on the content, and reviewing the final version.

What did it really involve?

• Developing the table of contents
• Providing an annotated outline
• Reading all the background project information to learn everything that has been done to date
• Reviewing all the previous client correspondence and meeting minutes
• Conducting research online
• Writing the introduction
• Writing a portion of each report section (if not the whole thing)
• Developing a list of references
• Reviewing each section
• Sending each section out for QC review
• Incorporating all the review comments
• Formatting the entire document

And, while this report work is ongoing, I'm getting into arguments with the original engineer who was supposed to be writing this because they don't agree with the new focus of the report. Okay, point noted. But when you're specifically asked by a VP to do something, you do it.

The past week I didn't leave the office before 8pm. I worked on the weekends and my Friday off. AND, I ended up having to miss a concert that I had tickets to for months because I was intent on meeting the deadline. The other person, I should note, left work on time each night except one, and then today... oh this makes me so mad... left at 1:30pm for an appointment and said she wouldn't be back. I was dumbfounded. Unless I was dying or perhaps on fire, I would make sure that the project assignment I was tasked with was done as required.

People have told me:

"You spend too much time working and worrying about work."

"You choose to work on the weekend, so it's your own fault."

"You should let others fail if they are not going to complete the assignment on time."

And so on.

The problem is, I'm a perfectionist. If I am associated with a project, then I am going to make damn sure that it is the best it can be. But being a perfectionist is also a curse. Perhaps if I did crappier work, then I wouldn't be given as much to take on. That could be nice I guess.

Because I enjoy helping others, I expect the same reciprocation when I am in a bind. What I've come to find is that most people just don't care.

A friend of mine who knows I have been struggling, sent me a Socrates quote:

Beware the barrenness of a busy life.

Amen.

How ironic.

Remember my post yesterday about how blah blah blah work sucks blah blah? Yeah well today it sucked even more (if you can believe that). So yeah, I'll be updating my resume.

Then I'm gonna get one of these and go sit on the beach.

I should have known when the subject said XXX

This morning was like a typical Monday morning. Get up, get dressed. Roll into work. Have a tasty breakfast at my desk as I peruse over any emails that may have come in. It was all going well, nothing out of the ordinary, until I saw THIS pop out at me from my inbox:

Yes, what you are seeing is a naked lady. I added the strategically placed paint blobs to make this post PG. And see how her crotch is cut off at the bottom? Well it's really all there. All of it. At first I didn't know what had happened! Did I accidentally click on some sort of porno link? Did I subscribe to a Playboy listserve? Is an arch enemy setting me up to be fired?

I scrolled down in the email and oh dear Lord it got worse! There were full on frontal photos of about 100 11 women. It was a lot of boobs! And other parts! This was the next photo:



It was sort of intriguing (from a practical sort of way) about how well, uh, manicured these women were, so I was sort scrolling slowly half in shock and half in intrigue. Just then our CAD tech knocks on my door and walks in. Now, I have no clue how much he saw. I minimized as quickly as I could, but for a split second, there was a totally naked woman on my computer screen and I was appearing to be studying it. AWK. WARD.

The CAD tech didn't say anything and those who know him know that he probably would've said something if he saw that. After he left, I went back to investigate just how I ended up with this craziness in my work email. It was sent to me by this old retired electrical engineer who I haven't seen, talked to, or otherwise thought of for oh, about four years. I didn't even talk to him outside of work issues when he was still working for us. He was a shy, quiet, peculiar Chinese man who apparently used to go to photo events where people would pay for the privilege to photograph nude models, or so I'm told. GROSS. Not the models, but the thought of that guy taking the photos.

Anyway, I should've noticed that the title of the email included the words "At the Beach XXX". It was a blind CC and so I have NO idea how these pictures ended up in MY email. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Especially should I be questioned by the work police. I would prefer that my termination papers say something sexy like "Caught participating in Russian espionage" not "Caught studying supposed gay porn by CAD tech." Just so you know.

Where did I put those earplugs

Do you ever live vicariously through your co-workers? Not in a creey, intruding manner, but one where you more or less have no choice but to listen in?

My new co-workers love to talk on the phone. And, unfortunately, our company doesn't splurge on soundproofing. I've heard all about swine flu at daycare, the latest snags on hunting trips, and what happens when you take your family van to a Jiffy Lube that's not on the up-and-up.

It makes my life seem boring in comparison. But then again, boring is not such a bad thing.

work to live or live to work

I am so burned out at work. I just want to run far, far away and just be free from everything. If you haven't been following along, the past several months have been extra stressful due to some unexpected issues with a project I'm working on in construction. All sorts of things have popped up and dealing with everything has caused me to become behind on all the other stuff I'm also supposed to be working on. It's really a vicious carousel and I'm stuck riding the ugly ostrich looking thing because all the pretty horses were taken. I can't seem to get ahead even though I work late (like tonight) and also work my Fridays off and sometimes on weekends too. All the stress has really affected me health-wise as well. When I work late, I don't get to the gym and then I feel cranky. I've also been having trouble sleeping because I can't clear my head enough to relax. Last week I actually left work early on Wednesday because I started having a panic attack and felt like I needed to get out of my office and be anywhere else but there. It really didn't help when my client contacted my boss on Friday to say that I wasn't being responsive enough on their project even though I spend more time than I should on their stuff. Gee, going over my head to tell my boss I'm supposedly not doing my job is really going to help the situation. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Things have been especially annoying because some others at work aren't as busy and it's distracting when there's all sorts of gossiping going on. I was pretty unhappy tonight because we were having an office happy hour that I missed because I knew I needed to stay and get stuff done that is due tomorrow. I'm not saying that a little extra work here and there is unreasonable, but this has just been unbearable.

To top things off, my supervisor got changed this year and I'm not too keen on my new assignment. I had my mid-year review last week which was the worst review I have EVER gotten. Not so much in terms of things I need to work on, but in terms of not providing a path for career development. I was so turned off that I made an appointment to discuss it with our Office Leader, but unfortunately, he blew me off. I'm starting to get the feeling that I should start considering a move back to the midwest if I'm not appreciated here.

Sigh

Where to begin? I was going to post on Saturday after we had our company picnic, but I felt too tired to do that. Then I was going to post after kayaking on Sunday, but I didn't have any motivation (even though Shelly capsized and it was really funny.) Then we get to today, which was not much better.

Let's see... it started off with the standard hum-dum at work. I'm still busy and trying to get caught up. Each day I seem to get more and more exasperated and wonder what the heck I am doing there. It was another day like that until I get this call from the front desk telling me to come up front. I groaned and was like "what else?" When I got up there, Shelly handed me this beautiful vase of flowers. I was like "What? Am I supposed to deliver this to someone?" But no, they were for me! I will take a photo and post it here. They are so pretty!! I read the card and there was a secretive poem. All the girls in the office were drooling over it and were trying to speculate on who my 'secret admirer' was. Ha ha! I think I figured out that they were from Tammy. Tammy is such a thoughful friend and she knew that I have been having some trying times at work lately. So, I just want to give a shoutout to Tammy to say that I really appreciate the kind gesture! It really did make my day! I needed that pick-me-up for what was yet to come.

I ended up having my mid-year review this afternoon. For those of you who know me, you know that for the entire 5 years I have worked here, I've always worked for Andrew and he has been my supervisor/development leader. It's been great. I absolutely enjoy working with him. Anyway, this year we had some reorganization going on and my supervisor got switched to this new engineer in our office. I don't have anything against her, but just to make a long story short, I was told today that the reason I am so busy is because I don't know how to delegate. As if I wouldn't have thought of some way that I could offload some of my work to other people. Whatever! Then, based on an email Andrew sent, his words got twisted into a false statement that he doesn't want to work with me anymore. That's not what was said at all. By the end of my review, I was just so tuned out that I didn't even want to listen anymore. Andrew and I skipped out a bit early and went to BJ's to chat. It was a great way to end the day... I was seriously going to go home and write my 2-week notice letter!

Can this week be over already?

This week has seemed like the longest week ever. Mainly because there's been a lot of stuff going on at work and that the last time I actually went to the gym was over 5 days ago. Earlier this week, getting out of bed was like being asked to go to the dentist for a root canal. I'm not sure if it was just dreading going into the office or if I might have had a little bit of a cold. I got one of these super-concentrated Vitamin C drinks from Trader Joes (it was a knock off of Odawalla) and I think that effectively knocked out whatever was in my system. It had something like 500% DV of Vitamin C! Whoever said you can't have too much of a good thing? :)

On Thursday, my friend Julie visited me. She's in LA from St. Louis visiting friends and family. I was stoked that she took time to drive down to OC, even though she spent a frustrating 2 hours trying to find a beach with parking! (Hey, I don't know that beaches are crowded on weekday afternoons... I assume people are working like me!) Anyway, we went to dinner in Dana Point and had a fun time catching up on old times. She spent the night at my place before making the trek back up to Glendale. We had breakfast this morning at Pacific Whey and snapped this fabulous picture. I'm so glad I got to see you!


Unfortunately my fun day of much needed relaxation was cut short when I got some calls from work and actually had to go in on my day off. Of all days I needed some time off, today was the day. I have been so stressed and admittedly in a bad mood that I really above anything else just wanted some ME time. The only saving grace was that Tammy wanted to meet up with me at Beachfire so we could chat about our bad weeks.

Here's to hoping that next week is better!