You must be saying "What in the world?" "Did something happen on vacation?" "Did someone stomp on your flowers?"
The short answer is no, no one stomped on my flowers. It isn't really a new feeling either, just something I've been keeping deep down inside. It's easier to ignore feelings when they're not allowed to the surface. I'm also not really good at talking about feelings. Feelings are nebulous to me. Sure, I understand what it means when you say "Someone hurt my feelings", but talking about feelings in more specific terms can be down right scary. What exactly are feelings anyway? To me, they are a weakness. An Achilles' heel. I've found that the more I feel for someone, the deeper you can be hurt when things don't go your way. So the natural response is to just not have feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a stone. It's just that I would rather bounce along the middle ground than put my feelings out on the table for fear of them being stomped on like flowers.
Lately, however, the pesky feelings are getting harder and harder to keep crumpled deep down. They tend to creep up when I'm at my weakest and most emotional. Sometimes they creep up on me in my sleep and I wake up worrying about why I haven't met my soul mate. More on that later.
Even here in my blog, I have trouble verbalizing (or typing rather) just exactly what I am feeling. I was just out for dinner, seemingly having a nice time, only to spend the entire drive home sobbing. Hormones, I'm sure is what you're saying to yourself. I suppose it could be, but that's too easy of an excuse. I think what it is is that I'm just not generally happy and over time, the candy coating of happiness is wearing off only to expose the dark chocolate that is my nagging psyche. It's asking me what have I done wrong to seemingly be the only one who can't seem to find the right person to share my life with? Is there something wrong with me?
I'll go over these questions time and time again and then I come to a conclusion that I want to start over. I mean literally start over. When I was a kid and liked to play a lot of Nintendo, I was a total perfectionist. If a level wasn't starting off with me getting all the coins and stomping all the Goombahs and knocking out all the turtles with their own shells, then I would start over. Obsessive? Yes. Well the problem is that I would like to start my life over. Maybe not completely over... I really like my family and my close friends... but everything else just needs to be able to be shaken away like an Etch-A-Sketch.
I'm just not sure what to do anymore. Everything I do on the surface just feels like going through the motions. I don't want to go through life solo. I'm pretty thankful that I don't have to rely on anyone right now and am proud that I am totally self-sufficient, but there is something to be said for having a partnership. Someone to DO something FOR. My personality is one that thrives on doing for others. Give me the opportunity to do something for myself and I might say "Ah, well, maybe later." Give me the opportunity to do something for someone else and I jump at it. That's just how I am.
I just don't know how much longer I can keep on living life like I'm 25 when I'm going on 32. I want to have responsibilities: a family, mortgage, a family pet. Those would be reasons to get up everyday. Right now I feel, well, not so much.
Back to the soul mate thing. This is something that I've pondered for a really long time. People often talk about their spouse as being their best friend, their soul mate. There is supposedly this divine logic that each person on Earth has one person whose soul matches groove for groove with someone else's and it's your destiny to find that person to experience true happiness. Well, with that being said, what happens when a poor kid gets sick and dies of leukemia (or any number of other unfortunate scenarios)? What happens to that kid's soul mate? Does she wander around for life without a soul mate or does she find someone else who *seems* like her soul mate, but really isn't, and ends up stealing a mate from someone else? Think like a big game of musical chairs and someone is always the odd one out.
Or do some people not have soul mates assigned because their destiny is to die early and therefore they don't get one? Where do I fall in? I've actually wasted time wondering whether my soul mate died in an unfortunate incident involving skis and a stand of fir trees and I just haven't realized it yet.
These ideas float around in my head. For the most part I keep them suppressed by distracting myself -- oooh look at that shiny object! -- but there are times that they just won't back down. It's times like these that I just wish I could hold down the power button and force a hard reboot.
