I've found the proverbial elephant.

I'm a bit apathetic right now. To figure out how to get un-apathetic, I decided to trace my feelings of apathy to their origin. As a starting point, I'm not feeling excited about my workout program. From my unhappiness with my workout program, I've traced that back to not having enough free evenings to exercise. I've traced not having enough free evenings to having to stay later at work. Oh snap! The cause of my problems is work.

It's not just the atmosphere, the layoffs, the people quitting to find greener pastures and happier lives, the cutbacks (they won't even authorize colored Post-its now), the general crabbiness, the "me-first" attitudes. It's more like is this really what I want to do for the rest of my adult working life? Above all, I'm tired of everything coming down to the last minute. The last minute is when there is always no budget, no time, but yet everything has to be done somehow anyway. It's not fun working on weekends or past hours or on my Friday off when I might already have plans dammit. And guess what? My best work product does not come through at the last minute.

I had a conversation with another professional the other day that went something like this:

Them: I need help to get something done next week... can you help me?
Me: While I would be happy to, I actually have eleventy-billion fourteen other things I need to do between now and then.
Them: Well, you see, I'm going to be out of town and I need someone reliable to make sure it gets done.
Me: There are several other people who might be able to help.
Them: No, it really should be you.
Me: Unless someone invents a way to magically stop time, then I'm sorry I cannot help you.
Them: Pleeeezze
Me: No!
>> Enter mutual feelings of resentment as conversation ends with an awkward pause. <<

I don't like to be unhelpful*. In fact, helping out others is really one of my favorite things. But, when I get too bogged down and cannot help, then I sense animosity that does not enhance my workplace enjoyment.

I also feel that I cannot do my best work when everything alwayshastobedonerightaway. There is no time to reflect or to regroup or to collaborate. Collaberation... now there's a genius idea. When I was graduating college and toured engineering offices, I remember seeing lots of small meeting areas where people worked together. In fact, I recall happy engineers sitting around said tables happily producing work together. Now I know those happy engineers were just stand-ins. Props.

For we have tables too, and I know the truth!

*That is, unless I'm being spiteful, in which case it's on like Donkey Kong.